Reading: Exodus 20:12, Mark 6:1-6, Proper 9B – July 9, 2000
By the Rev. Karen F. Siegfriedt
St. Jude the Apostle Episcopal Church, Cupertino CA
"Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. " (Exodus 20:12)
We have all heard stories about broken families; stories about the breakdown in relationship between parent and child. When taken to an extreme, some of these broken relationships have resulted in elder abuse, greediness, and contempt of the parent by the child. One of the great blights in history that stands out in my own mind regarding the breakdown of honor between generations is that which occurred during WW II in Nazi Germany. During that time, children (e.g. Hitler Jungen) were encouraged to report to the authorities, any disparaging remarks made by their parents in regard to the Nazi regime. Once reported, these parents were then tried, punished, and if deemed a threat to the government, were sent to a concentration camp. The home was no longer a safe place to express oneself.
On the other end of the spectrum, we hear about or have experienced the pain and agony of children who have been sexually, psychologically, or emotionally abuse by their parents. How many children are beaten on a regular basis by their parents? How many children have low self-esteem after having been repeatedly demeaned by their parents? How many young men have died of AIDs alone in a hospital bed because they were disowned? If we want to, we can even get into more horrific stories such as parents selling their children into prostitution and others killing their female babies in some third world countries. And we shake our heads and ask ourselves: 'What has gone wrong?'
Into this system of dysfunctional, wounded, and unloving relationships, the fifth commandment calls us to attention: Honor your father and mother. This commandment beckons us to honor and maintain the most fundamental unit of society: the Family. It aims at the maintenance of family life in general and is not merely intended as a commandment for young children. This command to honor father and mother is the only one of the commandments accompanied with a promise; a promise which promotes a community climate in which the chances of survival are enhanced by a tradition of tender solicitude shown by the young toward the older generations.
Whenever we speak about the Ten Commandments, we must remember that they were not separate moral commands to be kept by individuals. They were a way of life that guided the people of Israel to live in harmony with each other. It was believed that if people's relationship with God was faithful and their relationships with each other were just, then peace, harmony, and goodwill would reign. In other words, a community that loves together flourishes together.
The Hebrew word to honor means 'to give weight to; to take seriously'. The Hebrew Scriptures are pretty clear on what it means to honor one's parents. Parents are not to be struck (Ex.21:15) or cursed (Ex.21:17) or to be dishonored or despised but rather obeyed (Deut. 21). It was expected that the Jewish family would stick together, offering each other protection from enemies, economic security, and family loyalty. Without the family, the Israelite society would have collapsed. In order for the family to survive from one generation to the next, it was imperative that everyone was working together and that property was properly handled and passed down within the family. So the fifth commandment insured that children would honor their parents in such a way that the family unit was not endangered or property confiscated. It protected parents from being driven out of the home or abused after they could no longer work.
The fifth commandment is not about children accepting abuse from a parent. There are other passages of Scripture that deal with the honoring of children by their parents (Eph. 6:4; Col.3:21). So the question becomes, "What does a child do when he or she can find no positive qualities in the parent to honor?" "What does a child do when he or she has been significantly abused by the parent?"
In her presentation, "Repossessing the Longed for Parents," Beth Kennedy gives advice on what to do and what not to do in response to a dysfunctional or broken relationship with a parent. She claims that all of us have the internal resources to nurture that unique child within and if necessary, to become that longed for parent. While no one can go back into the past and make a brand new start, we can start from here and make a brand new end. She suggests a process whereby we give up our cherished notions of the idealized parent and engage in a process of parenting the hurting child within. Some suggestions include:
Freeing ourselves from a sense of unworthiness.
Expressing our unfulfilled longings and denied feelings.
Discovering our own part in the failure of the parent-child relationship.
Recognizing our own shadow side and negative qualities so that we can become more accepting of those in our parents.
Moving towards a place of forgiveness (i.e. letting go of the past and appreciating the present).
She advises us NOT to fall into the temptation of:
Believing oneself to be nothing without the parent's love and approval.
Engaging in risky behavior to gratify unmet needs by the parent.
Punishing the hurtful parent.
Kennedy warns that in adulthood, "infantile dependence of biological parents can diminish an individual's natural potential for work and love." When the individual, the family, and the community join forces and support that which makes for full humanness, then the promise of a long and meaningful life will be God's gift for those who have made the commitment. Herein lies the essence of the fifth commandment.