I Do. I Don’t: Marriage and Divorce
Reading: Mk.10:2-9 (Proper 22B)
By The Rev. Karen Siegfriedt; St. Jude's Episcopal Church, Cupertino CA 10/8/00
For the past 20 years in American politics, the bipartisan hot button issues have been abortion, homosexuality, and gun control. What a politician publicly says about these issues can determine whether or not he or she is elected. Oftentimes, people come to St. Jude's and ask where the Episcopal Church stands on women's rights, gay rights, and divorce. How these questions are answered, often determines whether or not they will return. 2000 years ago, Jesus was placed in similar situations. The Pharisees asked him: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" How he answered this question would determine whether or not his life would be in grave danger.
What I would like to talk about today is marriage and divorce. It is always difficult for a preacher to uphold the sanctity of marriage while at the same time, minister to the needs of those who have been divorced and remarried. But since I enjoy a homiletic challenge, let's see what the gospel has to say to us today.
The good news is that most Americans still say that a happy marriage is their #1 goal. The bad news is that for the last 30 years, the divorce rate has been 50% for 1st marriages and 60% for second marriages. The good news is that 85% of the population are still getting married in spite of these terrible odds. The bad news is that young women are pessimistic about the likelihood of finding a suitable mate that will last a lifetime. Some have decided to go ahead and have children without the benefit of marriage. Today's singles dating culture is not oriented to marriage as it once was. Instead, our culture is described by many as a low-commitment culture of "sex without strings and relationships without rings." It is into this context that we hear today's gospel which talks about Jesus' position on marriage and divorce: "What God has joined together, let no one separate."(Mk. 10)
The Bible as a whole, does not present a clear picture about divorce. Moses says that you can divorce a wife. (Dt. 24:1) In Ezra, it is the sign of a good husband to divorce a non-Jewish wife. (Ez.10:2) St. Paul says that divorce is permitted in some instances such as when an unbelieving partner requests it. (1Cor 7:15) The gospel of Matthew permits divorce for infidelity while the gospel of Mark declares that you can not separate what has become one.
For the people of Israel some 2000 years ago, a husband could divorce his wife for just about any reason, although a wife could not divorce her husband. The divorce proceedings were very simple. A husband could draft a certificate of divorce by writing on a piece of paper: "She is not my wife and I am not her husband." Give her the paper and kick her out of the house. They were divorced. If a divorced wife did not have a male relative to take care of her, she could end up as a beggar, prostitute, a slave, or even dead.
In Jesus' time, King Herod had divorced his wife and married his brother's wife. As you may recall, John the Baptist criticized the King for doing this and lost his head as a result. In today's story, the Pharisees are trying to trick Jesus into making a similar stand on divorce. But instead of dwelling on divorce from a legalistic perspective, Jesus answers the question: "What is God's will concerning marriage?"
Now before we go any further, we need to realize that in 1st century Palestine, it was assumed that marriage was for everyone. Deciding to remain single or choosing a same-sex committed relationship were totally foreign concepts; just as foreign as say 'cloning a human being'. So when Jesus says that it is God's will that a man shall leave his parents and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh, he is speaking from cultural norms. But he also adds a religious perspective to those norms: God desires that a married couple remain faithful to each other and preserve the family unit. Giving a spouse her walking papers for burning the toast is not what God intended for a marriage. Thus, Jesus denounces hard-heartedness and the selfish individualism of those who marry only to serve their own ego and sexual needs. He was not however, telling a battered woman that she and her children must risk physical and psychological torment every day just to avoid divorce.
What are we to do? For most of history, marriage was a practical matter: Two people joined together in assigned roles for economic security, the care and nurture of youth, and for the appropriate expression of their sexual needs. The expectations are much greater today. People now get married to further their own psychological and emotional growth. They expect that their partner will satisfy unmet childhood needs, complement them where they are lacking, nurture them in a consistent and loving way, and be eternally available to them. Oftentimes, husbands and wives take a step back from each other and wait for the dividends of togetherness to roll in. The truth is, marriage is a full time job. Period. It is hard, sacrificial work. It requires that God be at the center of the relationship, giving the couple "wisdom and devotion in the ordering of their common life, that each may be to the other, a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy." Without the grace of God, a marriage is almost impossible to maintain.
According to Diane Sollee, the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Couples avoid conflict because they believe it will cause divorce. In the beginning, newlyweds avoid conflict because they are so much in love and believe that being in love is about agreeing on everything. Later on, couples avoid conflict because when they try to deal with their differences, things get so out of hand and fights get so unpleasant and upsetting that they simply shut down. Thus, they become even more determined to avoid conflict at any cost.
It is said that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of disagreement that they will never resolve. So if they switch partners, they will just get ten new areas of disagreement. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of their differences. They learn how to discuss their differences without letting the disagreements contaminate the rest of their relationships. If couples do not learn how to disagree successfully, they won't be able to do the other things they got married to do.
So the question becomes, what does a person do who is married to someone who does not allow God to be at the center of the relationship and refuses to work on the relationship? The Episcopal Church expects life long committed relationships to be characterized by "fidelity, mutual affection and respect, careful and honest communication, and the holy love which enable those in such relationships to see in each other the image of God." For those people who have had to sever a relationship because of promiscuity, exploitation, abuse, or hard heartedness, yet feel called to the married life, the Church allows for divorce and remarriage. Remarriage is allowed, not because it is sanctioned by Scripture, but because we are a forgiving Church and everyone deserves mercy. Remarriage is allowed because we are a Church who realizes that everyone is a sinner and that all of us fall short of the ideal that God has set before us. Remarriage is allowed because we are a pastoral Church whose first business is to minister to people rather than to execute rigid rules. For Anglicans, good theology is pastoral theology.
When a marriage is in danger of failing, it is the duty of Episcopalians to lay the matter before a member of the clergy to help the couple be reconciled. The good news is that there are skills that can be learned for expressing love, intimacy, and appreciation. There are skills that can be learned for handling disagreements, conflicts, and change. Since the Church believes that a marriage is a life-long commitment, it labors to support couples in maintaining the sacred bond of marriage. Grant almighty God, "that their wills may be so knit together in your will, and their spirits in your Spirit, that they may grow in love and peace all the days of their life." (BCP 429) This is the essence of today's gospel.
(Resources for Marriages: http://www.smartmarriages.com and http://marriage.rutgers.edu/publicat.htm)